Who of you hate fruits, say aye!

AYE!

Or is it I?

Regardless, hideous fruits must be abolished from human consumption. Yes, I know, fruits are all the rage these days - vitamin source and those environmental and Go Green imbeciles and Healthy Lifestyle crap nutritionists can’t tell you enough on the importance of fruits.

go-green + fruits = lies! all lies! (hint: it’s a PIE chart!)

Though surprisingly they ask you NOT to eat fruits if you’re on some sort of diet or whatever.

See what I mean?

Here is the thing. We are terrestial animals. Right? We should eat terrestial stuff. Things that are within arm’s reach. Figs and apples don’t count, but I will let them pass, this time.

Fruits grow on trees for a reason, and that reason is that fruits are food for monkeys, squirrels and avian fiends, like hummingbirds and other feathery repulisve organisms. If you’re too persistent to eat a fruit, wait for a bird to eat it then shoot the bird and eat it. You get more nutrition that way, and the bird would have pooped out the harmful vermin found in fruit.

apples have the most vermin

Which is the whole point, see. Birds look for worms in apples. It baffles the mind that you say ewww to a worm then go eat an apple. Are you INSANE?! No sense of logic whatsoEVER!

Stuff that grow on the ground are veggies. See, they come from the earth, and stay there. They don’t shoot aaaaaaaaaaaaaalll the way up to feed creatures of the sky, or monkeys and giraffes. Tomatoes are the only edible fruits because they grow on the ground. Yes, they’re NOT vegetables. Proof? Proverb: “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” Indeed, your IQ has now gone up by a point. You’re already a generation ahead. Go invent something, like a way to make trees taller hence fruits unreachable.

dragon fruits are for dragons and other lizards. it’s slimey, disgusting, and there’s no right way to eat it

See, fruits are taking over the WORLD. Fruits are all the rage, it’s almost like a new religion. What’s worse is that they’re given all those cute names so your girlfriends go nuts over them and you’re forced to pod along. Peach? PEACH? Pear? Watermelon? Strawberry? Mango?

which one of those is your girlfriend?

Fruits incorporated themselves into our vocab so we call our babies and girlfriends with such hideousness, to make us love fruits more! Even stores* are named after them!

You don’t get to call your girlfriend lettuce or cucumber or brocolli. If you did she’d think you’re calling her fat or disgusting. Peaches are fatter than lettuce last time I checked.

Pesticides are designed to poison fruits so you don’t eat them. Poor insects have it instead. It’s like there is no choice for scientists but to make us believe fruits are important, so we keep eating them at a rate faster than they reproduce to get rid of them.

Oh the sacrifices mankind makes for mankind!

kiwis are hairy and hard to swallow for a REASON: they’re not made for human esophagus

Take up your coat of arms (with a nice brocolli symbol), arm yourselves with pitchforks and scythe blades and a morningstar and a halberd or whatever Dungeons & Dragons weapon that stirs your fantasy. FIND EM ALL AND KILL EM ALL! Just like Pokemon**.

*this post is NOT sponsored by Apple or Mango

*** this post may be sponsored by anti-Nintendo fanboys